A few years ago I had a truly mystical experience, right on the heels of falling completely apart. I recall Dr. Brene Brown’s re-framing of her “breakdown” as a spiritual awakening. And just like that, I was never the same.

I was unusually drawn to this guy I was dating and felt attached to him in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. His similarities to my father were astounding. He was 6’3”, disarmingly charming, ridiculously handsome, so so funny, and good at saying exactly what I wanted to hear. Till he wasn’t.

One night he didn’t show up for a date, and at the time though I had no idea what hit me so hard. In retrospect it was as though that night I re-lived every painful time my father didn’t show up when he said he would. That happened SO many times, and these events colored my life more than I realized. Suddenly my past came crashing down around me, and I let out all the tears I hadn’t ever let myself cry. I had been a tough girl. I never let him know how much it hurt.

This night as I began to crack, I remember “observing” myself from outside myself. I remember thinking, “Woah. If this was a real storm, I’d be boarding up the windows right now.” The next thing I knew, I woke up.

That’s when I felt it. My heart felt so huge, and my body so expanded, I felt I would hit a wall if I moved an inch from where I stood in the middle of the room. I literally wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the door. I felt nothing but love! All the fatigue and body pain I’d been struggling with for years was gone.

My first thought was to overhaul my garden. A first in years! So off I went to the nursery.

The woman at the nursery, who was normally grumpy and dismissive in a way I had come to expect and find amusing, was sitting about 30ft away with her back to me. Suddenly she stood up and slowly turned toward me as if she’d felt me coming. She looked at me like I was her best friend. I looked behind me to see if she was looking at someone else, but no, she was looking at me.

“Oh, you need arugula?” she said. “Here, have this one. It’s my last one, I’ll give it to you.” Cool, I thought. I asked for other things. “You need shade cloth? Here’s a remnant. It’s just the size you need. Take it! No charge. Oh and you need fertilizer? Don’t buy that . . . it’s too expensive. Take these samples.” “Thanks,” I said. What was happening?!

I grabbed a shovel I needed and headed to the cashier. There were two stations manned by two women. Again just like the first woman, they both turned toward me in slow motion and looked at me like they were in love with me. “Did you find everything you need?” They asked. They waited, just smiling and staring, with no apparent urgent need for an answer.

The guy waiting at the other register, who was being ignored, said, “What the hell is going on here? Does this happen to you all the time??” I shrugged innocently like I had no idea what he was talking about. Because I didn’t, really!

I spent several days feeling this expanded feeling, and in that time I had such curiosity about everyone. I was so eager to connect and know everything about people, so eager to come out of my shell, my busy life, and share with people. I felt alive in a way I hadn’t in so long.

My extreme “expanded condition” waned over time. But I then knew what I wanted. I wanted to live in that place. That place where I am in love with everything. My life became about finding my way back.

What I’ve done since then put more attention feeling my feelings, and saying uncomfortable truths in real time. I’ve put more attention on connecting with others, and this has been made possible through knowing and being willing to express boundaries. As an empath/introvert these skill sets haven’t come easy. I’m still developing them. And incrementally, day by day, by heart and body are waking up. Day by day I feel more of the magic of life and being alive.

Now, when I coach my patients on their health issues, I ask them if they’re feeling their feelings and sharing them with others. If they’re spending time with people they care about, and doing things they really love to do. If they understand that these are the things that truly heal.

This way of being with people has brought so much more meaning to my role in healthcare. There is so much more enjoyment for me than there was before. I had been trying to fix people. It was exhausting! My role coaching people to discover their own healing within has created a work day that gives me so much more fulfillment, and so much more energy.

Like most of my patients, I had been on a fast track to burnout. The inspiration I feel now is nothing short of a miracle. A miracle I wake up every day eager to spread to every person I encounter in every part of my day . . . even cashiers. 😍